How Not To Buy Condoms Discreetly
by threetequilafloor
Summary: In which Finn finds himself in the same supermarket aisle as Blaine, and Blaine decides it's high time for some payback.  Featuring inappropriate!Blaine.


A young man in a plaid shirt, clutching a loaf of sliced bread in his left hand, wandered down the _Personal __Care __and __Hygiene _aisle. He stopped in his tracks as he caught a glimpse of colorful boxes arranged side by side on the shelves, but he looked around him a little warily before he let his eyes scan them.

_I can do this._

Finn Hudson knew that it was going to be important night for Rachel, and he didn't want to disappoint. He had been in silent enthusiasm about it all week. It had just brushed past eight-pm, and the town's largest supermarket was quiet. It was the only time to go where he knew it would be practically empty of other shoppers and he would not been seen (apart from the grumpy late-night staff that worked there, of course). He had grabbed the sliced bread so he wouldn't look too guilty going through the checkout. He leaned in to look more closely at one brightly-colored box, and the words inscribed on it: _Extra __ribbed __for __your __pleasure_.

_Maybe I can't do this. Crap! Why does buying this stuff have to be so hard?_

He could have sought Puck's help; his friend had a large collection of them. Finn knew this, because one day Puck showed him the top drawer of his bedside table. And the bowl with plastic fruit in his kitchen. And his wallet. And the small toolbox in his locker where he kept them organized according to color, texture and flavor. He could have easily asked to borrow one. But then he knew what would happen: Puck would say something like, _'__About __freakin__' __time. __So __tell __me __how __you __propose __to __pop __Berry__'__s __cherry__…'_ and then he would hint something to Santana while passing in the corridor at McKinley, and then Santana would tell Brittany. And then at glee club, Finn would walk in with Rachel, and Rachel would ask him, _'__Why __is __everyone __staring __at __us?__' _and Brittany would say out loud, _'__Because __you __were __making __babies __over __the __weekend?__' _and Mr Schuester would clear his throat loudly and…

Finn shook his head of the likely scenario, at the same time hearing the footsteps of another shopper walking through the aisle. He sidestepped to his left, pretending to browse at the shelves of body wash. Much to his dismay, the footsteps stopped not too far from where he was standing. The owner had bent over to browse the shelf of lubricant and when Finn casually turned his head to glance at him, he did a double take.

He had not expected Blaine to be here, at this time, in this aisle of all places. Finn noticed that he was clutching a supermarket basket and the leather jacket he was wearing made him look older, but maybe that was the point. Blaine picked up a tube of lubricant (_water-based, __strawberry_), and dropped it into his basket before straightening up to browse the rest of the shelves. He had reached out to grasp one of the boxes, but on doing so, turned his head towards Finn. His hand froze on a blue metallic box (_regular, __lubricated)_, but his eyebrows shot up in surprise.

'Oh…hi Finn!' Blaine said, as he slowly withdrew his hand from the box. He was smiling politely, but Finn could hear the nervousness behind his greeting.

'Hey,' Finn responded, watching him curiously.

Both boys stared at each other and neither of them spoke. A long, uncomfortable silence stretched between them. Finn opened his mouth to say something, but anything he said would have been awkward, so he quickly shut it again. He noticed a bag of vegetables in the other boy's basket, along with the tube of lubricant. Why would Blaine need…

_Oh. _

Rachel wanted her first time to be at his house. His mother and Burt were going out to dinner and then a movie, and they wouldn't be back until just before midnight. Kurt had mentioned that Blaine's parents were going to be away all weekend. Blaine was going to be alone. Of course he would invite Kurt over.

_Oh __God._ He winced at the torrent of mental images that began to invade his thoughts.

Blaine Anderson frowned as Finn squeezed his eyes shut. If he had known that he would be bumping into Finn here, at this time, in this aisle of all places, he would have first gone to another aisle. Instead, he had been too distracted by a text on his cell phone.

_Just __get __what __you __need, __and __don__'__t __worry __about __me,_ Kurt had texted. Blaine thought it was sweet of him; of course he was going to get some for Kurt. They normally would have gone shopping together, but it would have been awkward for the two of them to arrive at the checkout with a basket full of…_obvious __goods__…_and receive disapproving stares from people in the vicinity.

He had added the bag of carrots to his shopping basket so he wouldn't look too sheepish passing through the checkout. But then he thought he shouldn't have bothered. One of the middle-aged male staff members had snorted at his little bow tie and checked shirt as he passed through the doors. He couldn't wait to walk through the checkout and place them on the counter, one by one, right in front of him. Then the cashier would remark, _'__Large? __Keep __dreaming, __buddy,_' and then Blaine would reply, '_Actually, __these __are __for __my __boyfriend._' Then Blaine would wink at him as the man stood dumbfounded, and Blaine would use that opportunity to make his sassy exit.

He knew why Finn was here; he had heard the rumors from the female glee club members about what Finn and Rachel were going to get up to on the weekend. He tried not to think about their height difference too much. In any case, he wished them the best of luck.

He could have left then and there, but his embarrassment on running into Finn would have made it apparent to the both of them. Besides, the supermarket had the best selection. Finn now seemed to be ignoring him by taking an interest in the vanilla-scented body wash on the shelf in front of him. There was no better time to get them.

Or he _could_ leave, right now, and return to Kurt empty-handed. Which meant that making love was out of the question. They would have to resort to making _out_ instead.

No - that was not an option. He had been waiting for months, dammit.

Besides, Finn had been a bit of a douche lately. He had been nice enough all summer, but since he joined New Directions, Blaine could feel Finn's jealous eyes on him wherever he went. It wasn't like he was going to steal Rachel or take over glee club. Blaine had looked up to Finn (literally) as a brother, but now he was getting the ill treatment, like a brother who hated him no matter how nice Blaine was to him. He had even gone as far as to substitute Finn's name with a profanity in his head. Blaine wouldn't dare admit it to anyone, least of all Finn. He was far too much of a gentleman for that. But now that he was alone with Finn with a whole assortment of items at his disposal, it was the perfect time for a little revenge.

He could feel Finn's wide-eyed stare as he eagerly picked up various boxes and then, slowly and deliberately, placed them into his basket: _regular, __ultra__thin, __ribbed, __colored, __flavored, __lubricated, __large_ (for Kurt) and _XL_ (for Kurt...just in case). His hand hovered uncertainly over the glow-in-the-dark type, as he knew his bedroom would most likely be well-lit, but why not. He knew he would have to try to explain his purchases to Kurt, but the look of absolute horror on Finn's face was well worth it. He tossed it into his basket and glanced over to the taller boy, whose mouth was now hanging slightly ajar. Blaine nodded in a manner that meant serious business, gripped his heavily-filled shopping basket by his waist, and left.

When Blaine had removed himself from his line of sight, Finn edged back to the shelves again. He had seen Blaine stand up on tiptoes to retrieve some boxes, but he didn't dare try to help him. He tried not to connect the items in Blaine's shopping basket with his stepbrother, but he couldn't help it. Why did he need all those, anyway? It's not like they would use them up all in one night.

Then Finn had a visualization of Kurt and Blaine leafing through the open boxes spread out over the duvet, Kurt picking one up and saying, '_Let__'__s __try __this __one __first_,' in the same low and throaty tone he used one afternoon to whisper something to Blaine when he thought Finn wasn't in the house, eavesdropping.

And they were both guys. How was it…sex? What went where? He remembered watching a movie version of _The __Lord __of __the __Rings_ with Puck last weekend on TV. They had no idea what was going on, so they began to compare all the characters of the movie to members of New Directions. He couldn't remember the title, but it had something to do with towers. Two of them, in fact.

And who would…top? Blaine was smaller than Kurt. It would be like a hobbit mounting an elf.

_AHHH!_

Finn lifted his hands to clutch at his head, though he knew it wouldn't make his vivid thoughts retreat. He didn't want to think about these things. All he knew was that, by weekend's end, Kurt would have, quite possibly, lost his virginity. He hoped that the same could be said for Rachel.

He sidestepped further to his right and quickly picked up a clear lubricant from the lower shelf. He then picked up a metallic purple box from one of the higher shelves.

_Am I extra-large? What if I'm not extra-large? What if it doesn't fit and it slides off and…_

Suddenly Finn became all too aware of being watched. He looked up behind him and noticed a CCTV camera pointing in his direction. In its tiny screen he could make out a young man in a plaid shirt, holding plastic-wrapped sliced bread in one hand and awkwardly clutching a box of extra-large condoms in the other.

Quickly he put down the box and picked up the one next to it (_regular, __non-lubricated_) and sprinted down the aisle, praying to whoever was up there that he wouldn't bump into his stepbrother's boyfriend again.

No such luck. He spotted Blaine again at one of the checkouts. It was too late to try to hide; the smaller boy picked up his two (_two)_ paper bags of supplies, flashed Finn a broad smile, and left.

Finn wasn't in the mood anymore. He sure hoped Rachel was.


End file.
